Saturday, May 15, 2010

If you aren't really asleep, are you dreaming?

My General Education classes are piling on the homework lately. My law classes are building up to finals, so the workload isn't quite there, yet. I've been working out fairly consistently with Trina on the Wii Fit. The animals in my house are shedding and trying to hump the throw pillows, so the house gets dirtier faster. In short, I'm under a lot of stress (not all of it bad, but stress nonetheless). I'm tired most of the time, but I am not sleeping that well.
At some point during the middle of the day I find myself sleepy, but when I lay down to take a nap, I'm not completely asleep. I can still hear most things and I toss. Then, in the middle of the night, I will wake up suddenly and lay around like this for a few hours.
In this "not quite asleep, but not really awake" state, I have these dreams, or what I am starting to think are hallucinations with my eyes shut. I have the same ones over and over again. Or rather, the same one over and over again.
My mind will be off doing whatever, thinking, dreaming, then as I am laying there, I'll hear a little girl say my name. The first time it happened a few days ago it kinda freaked me out and I woke up. It was so real. Sometimes I can see the top of her head. She's either a large toddler or a small child because the top of her head came just over my Dad's super high pillowtop mattress. Her hair is somewhere between blond and red, like strawberry blond maybe, but light. The other day when I was taking a nap at my Dad's I swore I could see her standing there for a split second when I awoke. Sometimes she touches my arm, but she always says the same thing, never urgent, never more than sweet but persistent, in a little girl's voice: "Holly...Holly...Holly..."
Sometimes I grumble at her and wake myself up: "I'm sleeping." or "What?" Sometimes it cuts into some other dream that I am having and it will startle me awake just from the interruption. I have yet to yell at her, but I know at some point I will out of frustration. I only hope I don't embarrass myself by waking up my roommates or alerting my Dad and my Brother by yelling in my sleep.
That's why I think I may be hallucinating while I am half asleep, because who else gets woken up all the time by imaginary children?
I know its the endorphins from working out more and the serotonin from an over-active brain who has too much homework and is frustrated by a house in need of almost constant maintenance. A body that wants to keep moving and a brain that is always planning, pondering and processing must surely be the cause of this. Maybe in a few weeks when the semester is over, she'll let me sleep, or maybe she'll tell me what she wants so I can get her to stop waking me.

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