For the Guys: What to Get Her for Valentine's Day (even if you're broke or clueless)

Every year, at least 1 of my guy friends will call me in panic over what to do on Valentine's Day. I don't blame them. Advertisers are merciless on men for this holiday. Flower and jewelry adds flood the airwaves, even the Superbowl add time, convincing men that nothing less than expensive flowers or diamonds will do. My Mom was of this school of thought when I was growing up. Every year on Valentine's Day, my Dad was on the hook for a card, dinner, chocolates, jewelry, flowers and perfume, in some combination, if not in mass. Looking back, I don't think she ever gave him anything in return, but rest assured, if the card wasn't Hallmark, if those flowers died to quickly, if the chocolates weren't See's, if the perfume wasn't Givenchy, if the dinner tasted bad and the jewelry wasn't overpriced, she'd let him know. I think its a generational thing. Some women really think Valentine's Day is all about the woman. I disagree.

Ok, now that I'm done scaring you, I will say that the woman you are dating is most likely not as self-centered as my Mom was (and if she is, RUN) and that you won't have it so hard. Don't believe what the adds tell you. Valentine's doesn't have to cost a lot to be good. Remember, its about celebrating your relationship, not going broke. So I'm including some suggestions based on 2 things: what kind of girl she is and how much you have to spend. I promise to be gentle.

To Bling or Not to Bling:
Ah, jewelry. Most women (and I include myself in this statement) love a little sparkle. I will never say no to diamonds, but in the last 2 years, they've gone up in price considerably. Consider the star-shaped diamond pendant I've been eyeing on The Jewelry Exchanges' website for the last few years. In that amount of time, it has tripled in price, causing me to gladly wait until diamond prices fall again to pursue this shiny little bauble. So too should you.
Guys, unless you plan on proposing to her, or you AND your girl have the money to spend, stay out of the jewelry store for Valentine's. It isn't necessary. Besides, how are we girls supposed to come close to that? Short of buying you a video game console (sorry honey, maybe for your birthday) or some really expensive power tools, we can't rise to the level that your gift of jewelry sets the bar at. SO, unless you and your girlfriend are both able and willing to spend a few hundred dollars on a gift, don't feel like you have to buy jewelry. Incidentally, proposing on Valentine's has become a cliche, so save the rock for another day when you will catch her off guard. (No offense to anyone who has gotten engaged on V-Day, as I'm sure lots of people have, which proves my point.)

Stop and Smell the Roses:
Does your girlfriend stop to look at the flowers in the refridgerated section at Vons, or near the entrance at Trader Joe's? Does she tell you when a friend or coworker receives them from their man? Then she, like me, is probably trying to tell you that she would appreciate flowers as a gift. I'll let you in on a little secret: Those flowers they sell at grocery stores are just as appreciated as the flowers you order online, but cost about a third of the price. A rose is a rose you guys. The primary reason we like having flowers delivered to us is so that we can have them on our desks at work, stop and smell them and think about you, and make the other women in the office stop and say "Those are pretty, who sent them to you?" so that we can smile and gloat and say "My guy sent them to me." If your girl works someplace where she has a desk, and if you have the $50 to blow, this is a sure fire winner.
But what if your girlfriend is unemployed, or works someplace where she doesn't have her own workspace? Or, like this year, what if Valentine's isn't on a weekday? Then consider yourselves completely off the hook for flower delivery. After all, where are we supposed to put them?
This doesn't completely absolve you from getting us flowers, just from having to pay for them to be delivered in a pretty vase. Nope, instead, get your butt down to Trader Joe's, Vons, Stater Bros. or some other grocery store that sells flowers and got buy us a $12 rose bouquet and then bring them to us at home. We answer the door, you have flowers in hand, we swoon, you're the best boyfriend ever, done and done. And for under $20.
Also, this technique is also highly effective at getting us to stop being mad at you when you accidentally do or say something thoughtless.

OK, so now that we've dispelled the jewelry and flowers myths, here's some other gift ideas that may be suitable for your girl.

All the better to smell you with:
Does your girl always smell like something? Does she refuse to leave the house without spraying herself with something smelly? Is there a spot in her home covered in little glass bottles of perfume? Does her hand soap, body wash, hand sanitizer, body lotion and body spray all have to be the same smell or she won't use them? If you answered yes to any of these, keep reading.
If you have the $40 to $80 to spend, you may try getting her some perfume. There are 2 schools of thought on how to select one. The first is to pick something that YOU like. And not just the first one you find that doesn't make you flinch, I mean one that you find and say "Wow, that smells really good." Most perfume counters in department stores have women who will gladly help you select a scent based on what you think smells good (I should know, I used to work at a perfume counter). If you really like it, we want to try it. We want you to think we smell yummy.
The other school of thought on this is to select a scent that SHE would like. This can be tricky. To do this, you need to be a little sneaky. Go look at her perfume collection. Write down the names on some of the emptier looking bottles (these are the ones she uses the most) and take the list with you to the department store perfume counter. Any competant perfume counter employee will be able to take this list and find the common element (floral notes, spice notes, clean notes, a particular undertone such as vanilla, etc.) in each perfume and select a new scent that your girl will probably like too based on that criteria.
Don't have $40 to $80 to spend? No worries. Go look at our body wash, body lotion, scented hand soaps or hand sanitizers or scented candles if we have any. I bet you will find they are all the same scent, or that there is a lot of the same kind of scent in each. Find a store such as the Body Shop or Bath and Body Works and for about $25 you can usually get us 4 or 5 things in our favorite smell. Even if we already have this stuff, trust me, we will run out of it and your gift will help replenish it. For even less money, you can usually go to Target or Walmart and find their "knock off" scented body products near where they sell makeup. You can usually get away with spending under $20 if you go this route.

Sweets for the Sweet:
We women are funny. Many of us complain about how fat we are, but then lust after chocolate or some other sweet treat, especially when the hormones start to mess with us. You just have to laugh.
The heart-shaped box of candy at the grocery store is nice, but most of the time, we pick out the ones we like and chuck the rest. Plus, again, the heart-shaped box can get a little old and tired. Hopefully you've been paying attention when we get our sugar fixes on, and if so, read on.
If you wanna go the pricey route (or at least pricey by chocolate standards) go to See's or Godiva or Rocky Mountain Chocolate Factory and do a "custom box." Its like picking your 12 donuts in a dozen, only they do it with chocolates. Are we allergic to nuts? Then stay away from the "nut and chew" chocolates. Do we like chocolate and fruit together? Then get the cream filled, fruit filled or truffle chocolates. Do we like chocolate covered strawberries? Then get those. OR, if you can't remember, get us a gift card so we can come back and make our own box. This will run you about $25.
Is she more of an ice cream girl? Cold Stone, Ben & Jerry's, Baskin Robbins, even Thrifty's all sell gift cards. Figure each treat will cost $5 and get her a gift card based on your budget.
Does she always grab the same candy at the movies or at the grocery store? Will she hurt you if you eat all the red Jolly Ranchers?Is she like me and addicted to Swedish Fish? Don't be afraid to get her a big bag or box of her favorite regular candy. She will appreciate the fact that you pay attention to the little stuff she likes, plus it won't cost you a whole lot either.

Dinner for Two:
We've all got to eat, and we all have our favorite restaurants, but have you ever tried to get a table, or even a reservation, at even the crappiest restaurant on Valentine's Day? Everywhere you go to eat, even Denny's, is gonna be crowded. If you insist on taking your girl out on one of the busiest dining days of the year, make your reservation, um, yesterday. Seriously, places begin to book up about 2 weeks in advance, and you do NOT want to just walk in and wait. It will get old fast. Make a reservation or stay home. Seriously.
In order to avoid the crowds and the waiting, in the past I myself have cooked a full meal and even made a guy's favorite dessert for Valentine's Day. It's cheaper than going out, fun and best of all, you don't have to leave a tip. If you know how to cook, or are willing to try, read on.
Ok, so maybe you still burn toast once in a while, or maybe you are a grill master, you're reading this aren't you? That means you can look up recipes on the internet. A lot of them even let you search for recipes by ingredient. Keep it simple. A meat, a veggie and a starch are just fine. Feel free to go buy dessert if you aren't up to baking us something. You can even show off your grill mastery and whip up a steak for us. Either way, we will appreciate the effort and think you are so fricken' thoughtful and cute for it. Don't forget to go to the dollar store and get some cheap little UNSCENTED candles to light the room up with and set the mood. Its supposed to be romantic, remember? Also, remember to check with her, as she may be planning on cooking for you as a gift.

She's a Super Freak:
Does your girl have an undie fetish? Do her bra and panties always have to match? Do her pajamas look like really skimpy silk dresses? Has she ever put on anything for you and made you admire it before removing it? If yes, then read on.
Congratulations. Your girl wants to be your private, personal pin-up girl. She feels empowered playing the part of the sex kitten and loves the look on your face when she reveals her newest lacey purchase. Ah, but the dangerous part about buying lingerie for us is knowing what size to buy. Again, here you will have to be sneaky. Check the laundry or her lingerie drawer and look at the tags on some of her things. Make sure it is something you have seen her in recently so you know it is the size she currently wears. Check at least 1 bra and 1 pair of panties that look like they fit her and that you have seen her in lately and write down the sizes. Take those with you to your local Frederick's of Hollywood or Victoria's Secret, then prepare to spend anywhere from $20 to $100, depending on what you want to get her. A good bra will cost you around $40, sexy panties are anywhere from $5 to $20, a corset or bustier set is anywhere from $20 to $60, thigh highs are around $10, cami and short sets are around $30 and a nightie can be anywhere from $15 to $40. Black is always a safe choice for colors, but her favorite color, or yours, are good bets too.
Sound a bit too expensive? Check the clearance rack of these stores. You can very often find something cute for about half of what it is normally priced at. If you are still feeling sticker shock, take your list to Target or Walmart instead. Though I myself have invested a lot of money into my lingerie collection, a good number of my favorite pieces actually came from these 2 stores. You really can't tell the difference. And, as always, if Freddy's or Vicki's is a bit too intimidating for you, get us a gift card. Be warned though, if you are dating an undercover pinup, chances are she already went out and bought something to wear for you on Valentine's, so a gift card may be a safer option all together.

They're Playing Our Song:
Is your girl surgically attached to her MP3 player? Does her iTunes collection look like a phone book? Does she get mad when she scans the radio stations and can't find a song she likes? Does she get email alerts from Ticket Master? If so, keep reading.
If you want to spoil your little music junkie this year, get her concert tickets to her favorite band or music festival. The concert may be months in the future, but the gift will be appreciated nonetheless. If nothing she would like to see is on sale, get her a Ticket Master or Live Nation gift card. The cost of 2 concert tickets, plus surcharges and fees, can run about $100.
Too rich for your blood? An iTunes or Amazon Music gift card will be just as appreciated. Now she can fill up her computer with even MORE songs that remind her of you.
Are you a software pirate? Do you have a Limewire account? Of course you don't. Downloading music for free is illegal. No one does that. :-) If you are really broke and you happen to know how to download free music, find 8-12 songs that remind you of her and burn them to a CD for her. Bonus points if you make a cool label for the CD with her name on it or a picture of the 2 of you.

Finally, guys, get us a card. They even have cards now that play music when you open them. They are about $5, but if you can find one with a song she likes on it, or something funny, its worth it. You won't be the only dude in the card section looking for a card for your girlfriend, so no worries. Just be sure to actually sign the card before sealing up the envelope. Bonus points for you if you write us something mushy in it. Give it to us with our gift or mail it to us, just get it to us by Valentine's Day.

We love you and we understand you are not rich. Neither are we. Happy Valentine's Day and Good Luck.

Catching up (after being without a laptop for a few weeks)

Right after I got back from South Carolina, I found out my Aunt Nita was coming down from Priest River, Idaho for a visit. I was so excited. I hadn't seen her since right before I got married in January 2004.
Growing up, I used to fantasize that my Aunt was my real Mom, and that someday the family would tell me the truth. Nita and I have always been close. My Grandma always calls her Holly and me Nita. I like to think that I get my courage, my outspokenness, my straight-forwardness and my willingness to try something people tell you girls shouldn't do from her. My Aunt ran away from home at 15 to join a traveling carnival company and just basically get the hell out of here. She didn't come from a very loving family. In fact, she had it pretty rough. Throughout her life, she did things like pump concrete, tend bar, ran with bikers and generally did what she needed to do to get by, but she never treated the world like it owed her anything. She still showed the people close to her love and kindness. When I was little, she taught me how to use a bull whip. When I was a preteen, I used to bum smokes off of her. When I was a teenager, and running with my own bad crowd and struggling with my own demons, she gave me some sage-like advice, because she knew I was gonna do what I was gonna do, she just wanted me to be aware of my surroundings, so to speak. She, like many people, including myself, had a period in her life where she struggled with her own vices, but she pulled herself together long enough to rejoin society and live a mostly normal life, surrounded by friends in a beautiful little town in northern Idaho.
I soon found out the reason for my Aunt's unexpected and unannounced return. She had been diagnosed a year ago with cervical cancer (the same cancer they made me get a biopsy for a year ago) and that it had spread to her lungs and liver. Her friends had pooled their resources to get her a flight down here for a few days so she could visit with my Mom, my Grandmother and myself. When I first found out, I was in shock. Here she was, the woman I always wanted to be my Mom, back in my immediate reach and she's gonna die. It was one of those moments where you can almost feel something, like the snapping of a twig, in your chest, as you feel a piece of your heart break.
Between school and Mock Trial practice, I never seem to have any free time anymore, but I carved out as much of it as I could over the 4 days she was here. She, my Grandma and I went to Red Lobster one day for lunch. The other days I would come over after school at night and we would talk. I could always confide in my Aunt and talk to her about anything, so I took some time to do that. I volunteered to take her back to the airport that Saturday. She made me promise I would fly up there at the end of the semester to visit. I told her I would.
The morning of January 22nd was my Aunt's 52nd birthday and I had planned on printing out some photos, sending them to her along with a card and calling her and telling her Happy Birthday. Earlier in the week, Grandma had said that Nita was in the hospital. Nita had told me before she left that she was going in to have some procedure done, so I wasn't TOO worried. I got to my Dad's that morning to print the photos on his computer. I had just sat down with my cereal when my Dad said to me "Your Aunt Nita passed last night. We didn't want to tell you because you were at school and we didn't want you to be upset when you drove home. I'm so sorry My Girl."
Even as I type this the tears won't stop. It still feels like hearing it over again for the first time. Words can't express how that hurt. It hurt like nothing else that had ever hurt me before, like a whole new hurt. I wasn't really sure how to process it. I'm still not sure.
I knew my Grandma would need me at that moment. I called her and then later went over and watched my Grandma cry for the first time in my life. Nita was her youngest and this day would have been her birthday.
The next few days were a blur. I vacillated between sorrow, anger, fear, resentment, duty, guilt, denial, acceptance, for days. Nita would have wanted me to say "F*** it" and just keep going on with my life, because when her life got hard, as it often did, that's what she did. She sucked it up and dealt with it, even when she got cancer. I can still hear her voice. "Sweetie, you just have to play the cards you are dealt. There's nothing else you can do."
When I needed to cry, I cried. When I needed to be distracted, I had people in my life to distract me, to make me laugh, instead of asking me to talk about how I felt all the time.
As if that wasn't messed up enough, my laptop catches a virus then my cell phone decides to stop holding a charge, so for 2 days I had no cell phone while my warranty replacement phone was in transit. The laptop took a bit longer, since I had to drop it off to my friend Greg to fix and it took several hours of work to do so, but is back up and running in time for me to start my online classes next term.
So that's been my January and the first part of my February. I'm glad its over. Moving forward, I have my first Mock Trial Competition and my return visit to South Carolina at the end of the month to look forward to, so, I guess the old saying is true. "Life goes on..."