Random, Brief, Happy Dreams

"I talk of dreams, which are the product of an idle brain." - Mercutio from William Shakespeare's "Romeo and Juliet"

So I've blogged before about weird dreams or bad dreams. Last week I had a happy dream I want to share.

First let me say that this is one of those dreams where you are watching the action sometimes from the first person perspective and sometimes from the third person perspective. Also, like looking out a shower door covered with steam except for the spot you just wiped with your hand, it is bright, a little blurry and I can't see everything in the picture, just what's in the middle. It went something like this:

I'm in a store, looking at stuff on the rack near the door that exits to an indoor space, probably the mall. I hear a man's voice somewhere to my right.
"Oop, there he goes."
I turn around and glance over my left shoulder and see a little toddler in a blue and white shirt who is waddling away from me towards the exit, giggling as he tries to make a wobbly escape. I can't see what else he has on because of the whole "looking through the hole you wiped in the steamy shower door" effect. The shirt says something on it but I can't read it because it is blurry.
"Hey," I say to him in a gentle voice, "get back here you little fugitive."
Since I'm closer to him than the voice I heard off to my right, I turn to chase him, though I sense someone is following behind me. I think to myself that I should have bought one of those "monkey backpack child leash" thingies like I always said I would and wonder why I haven't yet. I don't know why I am thinking this, but I am nonetheless.
The toddler turns his head and giggles. He has short blond curls, like I did when I was 2 or 3, deep-set brown eyes and a charming but mischievous little smile with some baby teeth on top. He looks similar to pictures of me as a toddler, only the eyes aren't quite like mine (mine are brown and deep-set but something about his eyes looks different) and his smile isn't mine, and he is, of course, a boy, but I recognize him from somewhere and he looks at me as if he knows me. The look on his face says "Chase me."
In a few quick, big steps I have caught up to him. After all, he is just a toddler, plus he stopped to turn around and giggle at me. He wanted me to catch him. The only reason he ran was because I turned my attention away from him for a few seconds. He always knows how to get my attention. He does this a lot. I don't know how I know this, but I do.
Now the view switches to third person. I can see myself, from about the waist up, scoop the child up. Both of us are giggling and smiling. As I pick up and bring the toddler to my chest, which obscures whatever shirt I am wearing from full view, another arm comes across mine, as if someone was coming up behind me, and tickles the little boy's tummy. Again, because of the "shower door effect" all I can see of this person is their forearm, larger than mine and with dark arm hair, presumably a man's. I feel a sense of comfort, happiness and normality. Everything is OK. Life is simple and wonderful and I am so happy. Even thinking about it makes me happy.
I doesn't sound like much but everything in the dream happened in sorta slow motion, so what would normally take a few seconds in reality took a few minutes in the dream.

Good dreams tend to be like that for me. I see flashes of seemingly mundane things that would normally only take a few seconds in reality, but play out in this bright, blurry around the edges, slow motion view. And I always wake up feeling like everything is OK and what little details I can see I always remember, and remembering them makes me happy for some reason.

So what was it? Who was the little boy? Who was the man? What does it mean? I've come to find out that whether my dreams end up meaning something later or are just a manifestation of thoughts that I already have dancing around my subconscious or are just random collages of the things I see during my waking hours, it's better not to think on their meaning too much and just enjoy them.

Ever hear of deja vu? I always have it during random, stupid moments, like I'll see a particular thing and hear a particular thing at the same time, and I get the feeling I have heard and seen these two things together before. I often wonder if the reason I feel as if I have been there before, but can't remember when or where, is because of these random little happy dreams about nothing in particular. Who knows?

Please try to understand

It is against every instinct for privacy that I share this. Usually, when I'm like this, I try not to have important conversations, make important decisions, or do anything that might impact my life for longer than a few hours. In fact I tend to isolate when I feel this way, but I've come to discover that being alone with myself in this situation is bad. Instead, I seek the comfort and stability of a sympathetic friend or loved one, who tolerates me when I'm like this and tries to keep me as close to sane and standing as I can be.
I have Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder. For those of you who haven't heard of it, or who don't know what it is, here's a little excerpt from WebMD:

Premenstrual dysphoric disorder, or PMDD, is a severe form of premenstrual syndrome (PMS). The symptoms of PMDD are similar to those of PMS, but are severe enough to interfere with work, social activities, and relationships.

How Common Is PMDD?

PMDD occurs in 2% to 10% of menstruating women. Women with a personal or family history of depression or postpartum depression are at greater risk for developing PMDD.

What Causes PMDD?

As with PMS, the exact cause of PMDD is not known. Most researchers, however, believe PMDD is brought about by the hormonal changes related to the menstrual cycle. Recent studies have shown a connection between PMDD and low levels of serotonin, a chemical in the brain that helps transmit nerve signals. Certain brain cells that use serotonin as a messenger are involved in controlling mood, attention, sleep, and pain. Therefore, chronic changes in serotonin levels can lead to PMDD symptoms.

What Are the Symptoms of PMDD?

The symptoms of PMDD can include any of the following:

• Mood swings
• Depressed mood or feelings of hopelessness
• Marked anger, increased interpersonal conflicts
• Tension and anxiety
• Irritability
• Decreased interest in usual activities
• Difficulty concentrating
• Fatigue
• Change in appetite
• Feeling out of control or overwhelmed
• Sleep problems
• Physical problems, such as bloating

Short of going on anti-depressants (none of which have been proven to actually help) the only other ways to treat PMDD are certain kinds of birth control pills (such as the kind I take) and diet and exercise, which as you all know, I do my best at. I'm not perfect, but I like to think that I exercise regularly and I try to eat well most of the time. In short, I'm trying my best. Today it isn't working.
Some studies have show links between low levels of serotonin and PMDD, which doesn't surprise me, seeing as serotonin is your body's own "happy hormone." I am NOT a clinically depressed person. I can say that emphatically. I am normally quite a happy person. I have a lot in my life to be thankful for and a lot of people in my life who love me and bring me joy. But right as I type this, for no reason whatsoever, I want to cry, faint, scream, puke, sleep and just generally not feel a thing. I hurt physically and mentally. I also feel embarrassingly stupid. I can here a simple instruction or sentence and in between my ears and my brain, it gets messed up. Or someone can say something to me and I can hear the words but just not get it. I can't concentrate long enough to tie my shoes. Even now, I'm rambling. Struggling to just be heard. My thoughts are manic and unorganized and I am sure when I go back to read this I will think I sound like a nut job.
I am so tired, but I lay in bed for hours not being able to sleep. Last night for example, I got in bed around midnight, but probably didn't get to sleep until 3am. I woke up at just before 7 and just laid in bed for 2 hours after that trying to sleep. Then I ate, exercised a bit, and basically felt like crap the rest of the day. Poor Trina puts up with me, and I adore her and Gregg so much for it. She had to carry a box of cat litter for me today in Target. I felt like such a wimp but I was near fainting. She said I sounded like I was in pain. This has been my life the past few days.
My body hurts in random places. My nipples, my stomach, my back, the side of my head, something is always in pain. And even if I stay in bed for 13 hours, I am tired almost all the time.
The mood swings are the worst. Sure, given the proper distraction MOST of the time, I can focus on something and even look and act normal for a few hours, provided I don't have to speak much. I can sit there and look normal, just maybe a little quieter, dim and distracted. In my head I am struggling with myself:
"Smile, relax, pay attention, cheer up..."
But when I can't manage this, I feel powerless. I feel afraid. I feel overwhelmed and out of control. I feel like this without cause or provocation and I feel it so intensely I want to collapse. Petty, stupid things that I would normally not even consider become the center of my thought process. I struggle against them and try to tell myself that it will be ok and that it is not a big deal. I have to invalidate my feelings, because I know they are not my own, but the product of hormones. I don't always win this battle. And when I lose, I take it out on the people that deserve it the least. How many times can I apologize and blame "that time of the month" before I permanently push someone away? I can feel the insanity escaping my lips and a voice in my head screaming "Shut up you fool! You don't know what you're saying!"
I struggle with my fears and my inadequacies and I take them out on the people I need the most to calm them. Its kind of a Catch 22: "Please save yourself, but don't leave me, I need you."
Every month, I wonder if by some miracle I am pregnant, despite my birth control pills, because of everything my body goes through. "No one can be this fat, this tired, this nauseated, this achy...something is wrong" but I know its the PMDD.
I know many people, including me, think "Please, its just some really bad PMS. Take a Midol and get over yourself, you lazy, whiny, wimpy, self-indulgent, self-pity having"...you get the idea.
I may read this tomorrow and take it down. Its hard to talk about. But sometimes I just wish people really understood how hard this is for me and people like me.
Imagine your mind and your body rebelling against you for 7-9 days a month and how it would affect your life and your relationships.